Note! i will use 'i' throughout this entire post instead of the normal capital 'I' i used to address myself.
This isn't a post about me. I would like to dedicate this to one of my best friends.
she has always be the one BFFAA. no one can beat that but as i say that at the same time, i was thinking to myself do i deserve the same address from her? i mean BFFAA is often for those who always hang around, talk about and share thoughts.
but it crossed my mind today, 0r maybe not today, that we have both left out each other for long. she got her new life in uni and i know she loves it so much. i'm happy for her. but at the same time, i saw her stories, her pictures without me in there. sometimes but not always, i feel heartache because how i wish i was in the picture. i always desired that kind of life but never have the courage to get what i want. i'm always the coward. i never be as smart as her. she's good. she did her best to pursue her dreams while i still live under millions of misery and question marks. only then i realized, i don't have a life. BFFAA doesn't belongs to me. i think it belongs to somebody else. someone who you can share your soul with but are you sure that's me?
best friends don't stop contacting each other for months but we did. i don't know why but we did. most of the time, i ended up getting pissed off after being rejected for a trip or what. she's the only person i never been with to a trip before. honestly, every time i asked i knew the answer but i still ask because i wish the miracle of yes from her. even when she's free i still get a no. after months of misery, i tried to ask her again but same thing happened. i never blame her, she must has the reason behind that i couldn't understand. but honestly, if you are reading this, i cried silently every time i got rejected. i was so disappointed.
i read back a lot of her stories, i barely find myself in it. i envy those people around her. frankly, this is the most shining period of all of us, isn't it? i see her shine. but i'm out of glow after what had happened. after that incident, i got so messy, i got so broken, i scattered all around till today. i don't know why. i lost my confidence, i lost my mind, i lost my friends, i lost my enthusiasm in everything, i lost myself. i cried, i cried, i cried, i cried, i cried every day. i cried for more than 90 days. i never cried so much before. i complained to her everything. we talked. and then also i realized, most of the times, i'm doing the talking.. as in, it's about me. after all, she seldom approaches me when she's feeling down.
and also one thing i realized, the only common thing between us is our past. i was wiped out from a part of her precious happiest moment. and she was wiped out from a part of my precious happiest moment and the most depressive and darkest days. despite all, i still love her as my friend. even though i know it has always been hard for her to be there with me. and sometimes, i will be tired to always be the one who's ready. but i still will remain in that position. i want you to talk to me, to speak with me, to think of me all the time. i'm sorry if i used to not because i was blinded with someone else. but after the broke off, i knew sometimes, it's good to have something that won't break off. i have mentioned before that i don't get it sometimes why friends have to break up too. i broke up with a friend. but i never wanted to break up with you. because i know that's the saddest thing will be and it will be the last thing i'd ever wanted.
you know, i work in starbucks, there's one drink known as chai tea latte. i always think of you when it comes to that drink.
this is for you. you know who you are.
blessed.
